


the gang ruins a beautiful thing

by sultrygoblin



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Kidnapping, Misunderstandings, stoner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25198837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sultrygoblin/pseuds/sultrygoblin
Summary: one shot - the gang finds charlie’s soulmate and tries to set them up and mac gets distracted. meanwhile, charlie refuses to be replaced.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly/Reader, Mac McDonald/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	the gang ruins a beautiful thing

**Author's Note:**

> imagine the read more as where the opening would be...in my head beau is jake johnson. again up to you. i’m sorry it’s shorter than promised i just...wanted to give you quality over quantity so i hope you still enjoy it

“I’m serious,” Dee’s voice was indignant as she crossed her arms on the bar, “She’s Artemis’ friend. She’s perfect.”

“For Charlie?” Mac asked, causing both he and his roommate to laugh, “The Waitress annoys the crap out of him and he still won’t let it go. This is stupid, Dee.”

“Mac’s right,” her brother was quick to jump in, gesturing across the bar, “Not to mention there is no woman alive who wouldn’t be disgusted by Charlie.”

As if on cue, in the way that only their lives could manage, you stumbled into the bar. Hair a mess, crooked and taped together sunglasses high on your nose. Beat up skate shoes rustled and occasionally squeaked against the ground. Black jeans torn and no doubt would’ve been stained if not for the color. There are a few dry spots of glue on them as well as the equally torn tie-dye t-shirt that was emblazoned with a cartoon alien face. A joint hung from your lips and you lit it once you sat at the bar, slamming your hand twice on the table.

“She wants beer,” Dee whispered, pointing at you which made Dennis nod slowly but comply with the unspoken request.

Mac was looking at you with a mixture of confusion and terrified awe, jumping a bit when you lowered the glasses to almost the tip of your nose while exhaling a few smoke rings in his face. The sound of glass on wood stole your attention and you grabbed it, chugging it down in about 6 gulps. A hollow sound rang out followed by you clearing your throat.

“Bro, I’m super hungry,” your voice low, as you leaned back, gripping the bar tightly with one hand to grip yourself upright while the other took another long drag, “You got a menu. Or a cheese stick. Maybe some airplane peanuts,” you turned your eyes to the bartender, “Doll man, you look like you pretend to eat food and hide it somewhere. What’chu got?”

Dee gestured wildly to you and with furrowed brows combined with slow movements Mac nodded, “How about we order you some food?”

“Wait? They deliver cheese now?” looking like a kid on Christmas.

Dennis nodded, a smirk the gang knew well curled his lips, “Yes. You’ll do nicely.”

In the hour you had waited for the arrival of your food and the 10 minutes of watching you eat it the gang had discovered you weren’t quite as deep in the gutter as Charlie. Calling yourself a trash goblin as you used your finger to spread the garlic and onion cheese spread across the club cracker. High brow white trash. Every second you just seemed more and more perfect until they were huddled at the end of the bar, whispering nowhere near as quiet as they thought and obviously looking over at you. Both of which you might’ve noticed if you weren’t stoned and thoroughly enjoying your late morning breakfast of cheese, crackers, and beer.

“Well, sometimes I just want someone to hold me, Frank! Is that so bad?” the shouting that suddenly appeared with the opening of the door did.

What must’ve been a troll walked in with- if you were a cartoon character your eyes would’ve bugged out of your head and a big heart shape would be stretching your chest and shirt. But it wasn’t. Instead, you silently held out a foiled cheese wedge with a nervous smile.

“Who’s the broad?” which points  _ every  _ eye at you.

You, who are currently too busy checking out this guy. Who was clearly - at least now-  _ the guy _ . 

“Just a friend of Artemis’!” Dee shouts, quickly and far too loudly, running down the bar and wrapping her arm around your shoulder, “Just trying to meet my buddies. Get some more girlfriends. You know some more vag in-”

Which earned grossed out looks from nearly everyone, you were still too busy gawking at Charlie and by now it was starting to make him a bit uncomfortable  _ and  _ a bit turned on and he wasn’t quite sure what to do with that when Dennis broke into his sister’s ramblings. Thankfully just after she’d managed to get to your name.

“She’s just someone we thought we might like having around you know,” he laughed, that fake smile that his dumb friend always seemed to be painted on and catching Frank along with it, “I mean, Dee’s right. We don’t have enough female representation. We should at least have one who’s attractive, right?”

Everyone’s eyes turned to Charlie, except yours which suddenly turned away at the realization you had been staring way too long. He’d rather have that back than the burning looks that were happening now and the confused one coming from below.

“I mean, you do think she’s attractive, right Charlie?” he pushed a little more.

Mac raised his hand, “I, for one, know if I wasn’t gay-”

“Oh shut up Mac!” Dee broke in.

Which is about when everything devolved into a fight like always. You heard words like twink and bird being thrown around. Also something about killing a cat? Or was it a woman? You weren’t really sure. What you did know is the troll man and your set up had disappeared which allowed you to sneak passed the cracked office door into blessed silence. Sure the computer was ancient and a half but your phone had good reception. And you had a battery bank. With a sigh, you slid another joint between your lips and hunkered down in the chair. Feet on the desk, phone propped up, hands hanging, letting your eyes wander across colorful cartoons with laughter.

{}

“Frank! Why are we in the bathroom?” trying to push past the man towards the door, “I wanna talk to the pretty girl.”

“Didn’t you see her?” of course he had, hadn’t he? And so he nodded dumbly, “Oh Charlie. They’re trying to edge you out with a hotter, younger model.”

He pointed towards where you would’ve been if there had been no wall, “With that one?” furrowing his eyes and shaking his head, “No, no, I see what’s happening here.”

“Then what’s happening here, Charlie?” earning a long silence and a shrugged with a mumble that was something akin to not knowing, “I bet you it’s Dee and Dennis.”

“But why would she do that? She doesn’t even know me,” genuinely confused, it just seemed like more work then the gang would want to put in.

But to be fair they had put a ton of effort into things that mattered a lot less, “Because she’s a broad and they’re all whores. Money, attention, sex, doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t think that’s true, Frank,” knowing it didn’t sound right but not having enough knowledge about the newcomer, or women in general, to make a coherent argument aside from those words and  _ nu-uh _ .

“Well, what else could they be doing? Trying to set you two up?” he shot back with a laugh that made it seem like the most ridiculous thing in the world.

He shrugged, “They could be,” but the pitying look he was getting made it seem unlikely, “Then what’re we gonna do?”

“That’s more like it!”

{}

“Wait wait wait!” Dennis shouted, “Shut up!” holding his hand in both their faces and looking around, “Where did they go?”

Charlie and Frank came walking out of the bathroom, unsurprising they were together, but the forced looks of innocence were far too suspicious. You did not follow suit. Clearly content to hide wherever it was you were. He motioned with his eyes at Frank, pushing his sister and roommate towards Charlie.

“Frank can I talk to you?” dragging him into the office before receiving a reply, “Oh there you- how many of those have you smoked?”

You shrugged, pressing the lock button the side of your phone, “Why? Want some?” holding it out to them.

“What? No!”

Frank leaned forward, “Just because I’m accepting this don’t mean I’m accepting you. Alright. I’m not letting you replace Charlie.”

“No!  _ What?” _

You giggled, watching Frank choke and cough while the other man looked incredibly annoyed, “You all are  _ very  _ bad at communication,” fluttering your hands at the small man in the universal sign to keep going, “He is  _ super  _ cute though,” leaning forward to accept it back.

The newcomer looked almost surprised, “Like he’s ever going to get over the Waitress,” jumping a few steps ahead, a welcome surprise to Dennis.

You held it out as an offering once again, “Well, I mean, if everyone’s going too...”

{}

Dee and Mac disappear somewhere before he can ask what’s going on. Which leaves him alone. All alone in the bar. Somehow it was worse than Schmidty. At least against him, there was a chance. But you were a pretty girl. Which somehow made him even angrier. Which somehow made him want to bang you even more. Which made him even  _ angrier _ . His eye twitches, turning quickly to one of the vents and then a stool. It’d been a while since he’d been up to his bad room.

{}

You waited around all day for him to appear. You only respite coming the form of your best friend and roommate, Beau, arriving with BBQ. Which would’ve been great if the group you had come to know as the gang hadn’t materialized. Sans the gentlemen who was the whole reason you had been hanging around. Why you’d been dragged into this at all. If only because your only real shoulder to cry on was shamelessly flirting with the muscular faux security guard much to his enjoyment and the surprise of everyone else.

“So, where did you meet this guy?” Dee asked with far to much interest and you shook your head, “What?”

“I’m not doing that. This,” pointing at the two men, both sporting pink-tinted cheeks, “was an accident.”

Dennis opened his mouth, Dee did too, you were unable to make out the substances of their words as they climbed over one another to speak. You shook your head, grabbing your bag and hopping to your feet. Beau was far too deep to be worth anything and the twins were now busy arguing with each other. That was your queue to exit if ever you saw one. Out the back door and into the alley. Then it was just a jump and a skip away to your place. Except both the garbage and recycling dumpsters are blocking the alley. Which was deliberate, obviously. But why?

Which is really the last thought you get before everything goes dark.

{}

“Wait,” Beau stopped suddenly, turning his head away from the man he’d been happy to flirt away with most of the evening, “Where’d angel cake go?”

Dennis snickered,” watching as they all filed away before answer, “Home.”

“No,” he shook his head, “I would’ve gotten a text,” yanking his phone from the front pocket of jeans and showing the screen free of notifications.

Frank came stumbling in, panting and out of breath, “He used,” heaving, “My credit card. Hardware,” dropping the receipt and card to the ground as he dry heaved.

Dennis grabbed them, scanning quickly over the crinkled paper, “Rope. Zip ties.  _ Obviously _ . Hammer. Pliers. Alright, little gruesome,” bringing the paper closer to his eyes, “Saw? Oh god. You don’t think-”

“He thought,” the old man leaned back against the pole, swallowing hard, “You were trying to replace him.”

“You told him that, Frank!” not missing a beat, “Alright,” turning his eyes to the group, “Where would he take her?”

{}

You blinked your eyes a few times, oddly not surprised to see the cute chubby face of Charlie Kelly. This would be quite the story to tell your kids someday. For now, you shook your head, trying to get rid of the fog. It didn’t quite disappear but it lessened. Which you were more than thankful for when he stepped forward. His eyes were wide, manic against the vaulted ceiling and glass broken on the floor. Not to mention the shiny new tools scattered across the floor.

“They can’t replace me you know,” his voice low and menacing, it might’ve worked except you’d already been through this and so you just rolled your eyes, “Well- don’t do that. It’s not scary if you do that.”

“It’s not scary, to begin with,” you sighed, a very upset sound that seemed to puncture whatever persona he had on here, “ _ I just wanna go home _ ,” you whined, bouncing against your bonds.

It relit the fire. You came in, tried to replace him, and now you wanted to go back to your probably super nice apartment. He bets you even have a bathroom inside the place. He can feel his face getting hot and read but unfortunately, there’s none of the fear he’s hoping to see in your eyes. He darts for one of the tools but it’s too close and you manage to jut out your foot. Thankfully he doesn’t go tumbling, able to catch himself on a support beam but it does seem to bring back a little bit of that sense.

“Why do they want to get rid of me?” his anger now coming with a slice of self-pity as he grabbed the hammer, slapping it lightly against his other hand in a way that seemed unnecessarily menacing, “And with you?”

You shouldn’t have but you rolled your eyes again, “They’re not!” you huffed, hopping a bit and finding the chair squeaked along the floor towards him, “They’d be really shitty friends to do that.”

“Well...” feeling suddenly incredibly deflated as he rubbed the back of his neck, “They would.”

“That sucks,” temporarily thrown off track at how desperately adorable he looked before shaking your head and shaking sense loose again, “Charlie, they’re trying to set us up,” which clearly meant nothing to him because he widened his eyes, opened his mouth a bit and shook his head, “They kept bitching about this waitress. I dunno. I was doing shots. And then Dee showed me some pictures and Mac said you were like this weird trash gremlin and I was sold,” the words pouring out of you much faster and unedited than you had expected, “So, like, weird first date, dude,” hoping the lame joke would ease the tension.

The laugh that came from your....captor? Companion? Future love interest? Whoever he was it was far more manic than you had expected, a bit of panic leaking in at the edges even.

{}

“Are you saying he kidnapped, angel cake?” Beau asked, finally feeling like he understood what was going on and was not happy with the snickers from everyone.

“I can’t take you seriously when you call her that,” Frank said, his kids quick to agree with them.

They were waiting on Mac, “I think it’s sweet. Like a mobster. She’s like a tough girl with a sweet name, I get it,” causing his friends to groan because it was all clearly coming from his downstairs brain, “But, no, no. Charlie’s just...” trying to find that right word.

“An idiot man-child,” Dennis broke which everyone quickly agreed with, “I’m sure they'll work it out though.”

He raised his eyebrows, looking at them, “She knew this could happen, didn’t she?”

“Honestly, she seemed weirdly excited about it,” Dee answered quickly, taking a gulp from her beer, “But whatever gets him to shut up about that bitch.”

“Here, here!” the men joined, looking at Beau expectantly.

He shrugged, “Why the hell not?” shrugging, “Here, here!”

“Alright now that we’ve finished that,” Dennis’ cheery smile quickly falling into a very pointed look at the newest addition, “What’s this? What’s going on here?” gesturing at the arm Mac had casually around the man’s shoulders, “Is this like for real?”

“Jealousy does not look good on you,” his sister almost growled to his own annoyance, not that he had a chance to voice it because there was a loud squeaking sound from somewhere in the ceiling.

He pointed to the ceiling, “That’s definitely her, right?” they all nodded, “Why are they in the ceiling?”

“Charlie’s bad room,” Frank was quick to supply, Mac nodded slowly in agreement, “We sure the broads gonna be alright?”

“I’m pretty sure she’s high enough to survive anything.”

{}

“I’m just not sure if I’m ready,” he’s sitting in a circle he’d cleared on the floor with his overshirt as your flexed your fingers behind you to keep the blood flowing through them, “I’ve just been in lo-” you opened your mouth prepared to break in, “I’ve just been emotionally attached,” you smiled as he worked at the words but still pushed them out, “To her for so long, ya know?”

“It’s not going to be easy. But you’ve gotta try or never going to be happy,” you spoke softly and honestly, happy when he finally locked eyes with you, “And I’m super patient. I smoke an insane amount of weed. There is nothing I do quickly. Except fall in love,” happy when he laughed a real one instead of that maniacal thing from earlier.

“They guys were right,” he climbed to his feet, grabbing the wire cutters and moving behind you, “I do like you,” working them between the zip ties and clipping them open before moving onto the knots, “Like, a lot, surprisingly.”

He watched you when you climbed slowly to your feet, rubbing your wrists between your hands as you found your balance. He stepped around at you. Knowing this was a very telling time for the both of you. You spun so your back was to him and leaned it back slightly.

“Can you check if there’s a knot from where you whacked me?” rolling your wrists as his fingers pressed into your hair, “Over, no other way. Ye- OW!”

“Shit! I’m sorry,” yanking his hand back and jumping away. Starting to get offended and a bit angry when he heard you start to laugh.

“I’m just thinking how I’m going to tell this story to people later,” turning on your heels and dropping one arm to your side and the other found the bump, prodding it softly as you winced, “The sex better be  _ amazing _ .”

“Where did they find you?” he asked, truly wondering what spellbook they had conjured you out of and the awe on his face was far more than you believed you deserved.

“Smoking weed with Artemis,” you answered honestly, hoping it would humbly you but not a bit. At least getting over the Waitress seemed like a small problem, “Speaking of which, you got my-” the bag of supplies appearing front of you before you could finish, “Want some?”

{}

You both appeared out of the office, they’d been preparing for your appearance since the smell of marijuana started wafting from every vent in the place. Both of you a little banged up but no worse for wear. Everyone seemed to be watching everyone else silently. Most everyone’s attention turning to you and your roommate finally locking eyes and appraising the other’s situation. Him with your least favorite member of this little group draped over him and you covered in dirt and attic dust with a bruise on your face and more on your wrists.

“Artemis was right. These people are fucking crazy,” Beau broke the silence first and you laughed, pointing at him with a nod of agreement, “It’s amazing.”

“Oh yeah, we are so defecting. Let Kaci have ‘em,” both of your laughter increasing at the confused looks, “Who, uh,” trying to pull yourself together and surprised to feel Charlie’s arm around your waist balancing you, “Who wants to get unbelievably high?”

{}

You and Charlie stumble out the front door, a huge cloud of smoke following behind you. The high coursing through you nothing compared to the almost comatose vibe happening inside Paddy’s Pub. A thing you had obviously done on purpose, which was just occurring to him and he really couldn’t blame the drugs for that. He was already used to being a step behind, for someone who was reported to be perpetually high, you were crazy smart and incredibly devious. 

“We should go back to my place,” something that would’ve sounded far too heavy from anyone else, “Get some sandwiches on the way. I’ve got pretty much every streaming service you can think of,” but it just sounded like hanging out when it came from you, “I think you owe me just a little making out though.”

“Oh I definitely do,” slipping his arm around your waist as he followed your lead, “So, it’s just this?”

You nodded, “Just this Charlie.”

“Huh...”


End file.
